Betty ford says i'm here all night
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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