Swine flu is the new snow day.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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