I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Two words: nipple clamps
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