When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Please, let me fuck your mom
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
