dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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