You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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