It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
