gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
