Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
