I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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