you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
