Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
