A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
