Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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