What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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