I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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