Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
