put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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