i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
