I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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