Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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