Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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