True but thats because hes a fetus.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
