Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
