Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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