You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
