His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
