NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
