Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
