so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
did i just pee glitter
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
