If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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