It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
