3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
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