just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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