if you like me you must not know who I am
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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