I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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