Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
