Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
