I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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