I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
That's when you crack a 10am beer
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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