My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
