its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
