Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
