i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
