Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Randomize
