The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
