dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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