so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
