She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
