I think I won the penis lottery.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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